Melissa Martin - Boldly Courageous

The Secret Sauce to Building Confidence

Hello love! I’m grateful you’re here today! Welcome back! Boldly Courageous, a podcast created for you — the ambitious woman who is ready to take action and step fully into the life you’ve always dreamed of!

I am so pumped that you’re here with me today, and I’m so thankful that you are part of this community. Today, we are going to chat all about confidence and the fastest way to build it! 

Confidence is something that everyone wishes they had more of. When I’m doing my private mentorship calls or working with marketers in my Ignite Academy, the number one thing that comes up is imposter syndrome and fear around showing up. So many women lack confidence and belief that they can accomplish the things they really want to do. 

I know there are a lot of you out there that struggle with finding the confidence to start something new — whether it’s a business, a fitness routine, or a social media campaign, or even a podcast! This episode is for anybody out there that has had a big goal, a dream, a vision, or this idea that’s been telling you you want something different in your life. This is literally the foundation of this podcast — the start of living a boldly courageous life! That takes confidence, and that’s not always easy. 

Let’s be real: when I first started this podcast and had to dig deep to find my confidence. I purchased all of my audio equipment back in 2018,but it wasn’t until the end of 2019 that I actually hit record. I was sitting in a lot of resistance — something we’ll talk about in this episode! As I look back over anything I’ve achieved, what I’ve started to recognize is this pattern of discomfort, resistance, messy action, and leveling up to a new challenge.  

So today, I want to give you the secret sauce to building confidence, hopefully in a way that will hit home and feel relatable to where you’re at! Confidence is available to YOU, babe, and here’s the fastest way to get it. 

Starting From a Place of Discomfort

Discomfort is actually the beginning of how you build confidence. If you’re sitting in discomfort right now in your life, it’s because you feel unfulfilled. You know that there’s something bigger for you. Maybe a different job, a better relationship, or a healthier lifestyle. And if you don’t take action, you will literally feel your soul dying day by day. The old way of doing things just doesn’t work for you anymore. You literally cannot wake up one more day doing the exact same thing over and over and over again.

Sound familiar? When it comes to building confidence, this is typically the place that we start, right? It’s this desire to want to change something in our life, whether it’s a relationship, a job, starting a business, joining network marketing, or starting a podcast or blog. Something is calling to you as you sit in this discomfort. Your gut starts speaking to you. It’s like an idea gets downloaded into your DNA and you can’t get it out of your system. You’re ready to make a change. 

What immediately happens after that feeling is that our damn ego comes in. The fear, the doubt, the imposter syndrome, and all of that negative energy starts to hit. You might say to yourself, “Ok, I’m going to join this network marketing company. This is going to be so exciting.” Or, “I’m going to start my own coaching business. Yes!” 

And then immediately your ego goes, “Who do you think you are? There’s no way you’ll ever hit that rank. There’s no way that people are actually going to pay you. Like, why would they pay you? There are so many other people out there that are far more credible than you.” 

Even when I started this podcast, I didn’t believe anyone was going to listen. I thought that maybe my mom and ten closest friends might tune in. And, that’s great, but there are so many other podcasters out there that have already been there, done that.

We get stuck in resistance. The ego causes this fearful cycle of talking ourselves out of the thing that our soul wants us to do. The ego is designed to keep us safe. What feels safe is our everyday life, even though it’s causing us pain, even though we might be suffering on a soul level. Our ego likes predictability. It likes the idea of safety and doesn’t want to rock the boat. 

So we can sit in this place of fear and resistance for a long, long time. And this is really uncomfortable. This is the place where we continually perpetuate the feeling of being unfulfilled. This is pretty much where most people stay: most dreams die here. They get put up on a shelf. So how do we get past this point?

Breaking Out of Fear and Resistance 

When we get past the fear, we move into a different kind of resistance. We can start to resist the feeling of being unfulfilled. We become so sick and tired of watching everybody else do the things they were meant to do while we’re sitting around. Our soul begs us to just take the first step. So we decide, “Okay, this is the thing I’m supposed to do, and I’m going to do it.” Now, resistance starts to really dig in. 

For me, resistance looks like being really busy and saying yes to a lot of things that don’t actually help me get closer to the thing that I want. I commit to so many other things that I don’t have any time or energy to actually do the thing that I want to do.

If you’re like me, resistance can show up as being really busy, but not productive. This is something that your ego loves. It gets to say, “Oh, look, I’m doing a lot of stuff! I’m so productive!” But, it’s not actually an activity that’s going to move the needle to what your soul wants. It’s a type of procrastination.

Self-sabotage is another big sign of resistance. Maybe you start purposefully picking a fight with someone in your life, or get involved in family drama. Or maybe you stick your nose in other people’s business, and you’re devoting your energy to something that doesn’t concern you. Whatever your ego decides, it’s putting your focus and attention on things outside of what the goal really is. 

The first step to break out of this cycle is to recognize that you’re sitting in fear and resistance. Once you acknowledge it, it becomes a lot easier to move past that negative space.

This is a really great exercise that I love to do with my clients. I do it with myself as any time I’m setting a new goal. If I know my resistance mechanisms, then I can start to put in place tools and resources to help me navigate that when it comes to setting my next goal. 

If you go back to my very first guest podcast episode, I talked with Lori Harder all about this. We get deep into what it looks like to nurture your big dreams, setting the boundaries you must have to bring those dreams to life, and how saying “no” can be one of the best gifts you can give yourself. She actually talks about when you’re building your dreams, saying “yes” can become a drug. You can get literally addicted to saying yes to things. Boundaries are so important to personal growth and achieving your goals! 

I am definitely one of those people, especially when it comes to not wanting to put my energy into things that scare me. If I know that and I have awareness around it, I can put a plan in place to help mitigate the pain and frustration of resistance and I can actually come out of it with more success.

Here’s the bottom line: start to look at the ways in which you have resisted things in the past. Figure out for yourself what your compensatory strategies are when it comes to overcoming resistance and getting into action and then come up with a plan.

Embrace the Messy Action

So once you come out on the other side of resistance, you can make a decision to actually take action. And let me tell you, when it comes to taking that first action, it feels hella scary and it feels hella messy. 

This is what I like to call “messy action.” It’s just saying, “Fuck it. I’m going to press record and I’m going to go for it.” Or, “You know what? I’m just going to dive in headfirst and I’m going to just do that thing which scares me.” 

It’s going to feel wildly uncomfortable. You are going to feel naked. Most likely you are going to probably feel sick in your stomach.

But hey, that’s real life, right? Getting on Instagram Live for the first time, or recording your first IGT TV and just posting it — you might feel sick to your stomach because you shared a story that nobody’s ever heard before, but it was bold and courageous. You put yourself out there despite the reality that you might get some hate or lose some followers. 

When I think back to my network marketing journey, I think about the very first person I reached out to. Thankfully, she actually ended up saying “yes,” but I was literally sweating. It just didn’t feel good, honestly. 

That messy action is literally the first step to building confidence — because here’s what happens. You do the thing — host your first masterclass, reach out to the first person for your network marketing business, record your first podcast episode, whatever it is. It feels awful at first, but you realize, “Okay, I didn’t actually die. Nobody called me out. Actually, maybe I didn’t even get the negative response that I thought I was going to get.” 

This first step gives you an opportunity to really examine all of the beliefs that were coming up around the action that you took. And babe, that is HUGE. 

Anchor Into Your Why

So, quick story. When I ran my first marathon, I was really stuck in this fear/resistance pattern. It was back in 2008 when I was living in Dallas, Texas and I really didn’t know anyone. 

I had always had it on my bucket list to run a marathon, so I decided to join an organization called Team in Training, which raises money for leukemia and lymphoma research. This was really important to me because my older sister, Jennifer, had passed away from leukemia. I wanted to anchor in something that would help me stick to the training. That really meant something to me: I wanted to give back, do something in honor of my sister, and meet people at the same time. Team in Training seemed like the best way to do that.

Every week I would go do my long runs. You don’t go out on your first training day running 26 miles, but you slowly add on distance. So, I ran two miles and I was like, okay, I’m sore. That was hard, but I didn’t die. And I think I could do it again. 

One day you wake up and you’re running 15 miles on a long run. It’s actually not that bad in the moment. There are things that really suck, and hurt, and are painful — you’re wishing you could stop. But then you anchor into your purpose and your why. When you’re done, you feel accomplished and you reevaluate, okay, how did I do that and how did I do that again? 

I ended up running another marathon after that first one. This is what happens when we take messy action: in the midst of it, we’re going, “Oh my God, this sucks. I’m terrible at this. I never want to do this again.” But after it’s over, we start to evaluate and we gather feedback. And babe, feedback is literally the best thing in the world. Even if it’s critical, it pushes us to refine our process and make necessary changes.

New Level, New Devil

We take our messy action. We gather feedback. Then, we refine our process. Ask yourself: what would I do differently? Maybe you think, “Okay, I’m going to record my next podcast episode. I’m going to make sure that my microphone settings are like this. I’m going to make sure that I have this type of audio. I’m going to have notes prepared.” Whatever it is, refine your process. Then, repeat the whole thing all over again. Take messy action. Again, it feels slightly better than it did the first time, but it still might not feel good, and that’s okay!

Once we move from this feedback stage, we decide — okay, I’m going to do this again. Confidence literally comes from doing things over and over and over again until we move the finish line. The edge that we’re up against feels less and less challenging, feels less and less scary, and becomes more like second nature. 

This can take a couple of days, months, even a couple of years, right? There is no endpoint that you reach when it comes to building confidence. You will master the skill or the thing that once felt scary, and then you’re ready for a new level. 

I’ve reached this point of being able to crush it on IGTV. I’m getting great engagement. I love my content. But I’m ready for more, you know? Maybe you’re a social media influence,r and you’re killing it on your Instagram stories. But maybe the next thing is to do live interviews. That feels scary because that’s a whole new ballgame, right? New level, new devil. 

Go through it again: messy action, gather feedback, refine, repeat. This has literally been my North Star when it comes to doing the scary stuff and showing up in my business, in my life with confidence.

You are unique, you are special. You have something in you that was placed in your heart for a reason. It doesn’t matter if somebody else is doing it — they’re not doing it the way you would. Your uniqueness is your superpower. The only thing that’s keeping you stuck is you. 

I hope this message resonates with you and that it helps you start taking messy action today to build confidence. This is truly the secret sauce to living a boldly courageous life. 

I am so grateful for you, babe. Give this episode a listen and share it with your friends so that more people can learn how to build confidence and share their gifts as well! Also, let me know what your greatest takeaways are on Instagram and tag me @themelissamartin! 

Until the next episode, go live your boldly courageous life with confidence! I love you all.

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My name is Melissa Martin, and I’m here to be your wing woman as you gain the tools and confidence to face your fears head on.

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