What’s up, babe?! Welcome back to the Boldly Courageous podcast! This is a podcast created for YOU — the ambitious woman who is ready to take action and step fully into the life you’ve always dreamed of.
As always, I am so honored and grateful that you are here today. I never want to get out of the habit of expressing my gratitude for you all. It means so much that you’ve joined me on this journey to live a boldly courageous life, and I believe that today’s topic will help you take a huge step towards that.
Today, I want to share with you three powerful words that will change your life: Trust, Integrity, and Consent.
These words have transformed my relationships, my business, and my personal life. They have helped me live a life that is aligned with my soul’s purpose. These words first hit me as I was listening to a podcast episode with my girl Amanda Bucci. Amanda is a kickass business coach, spiritual leader, and social media strategist. Her podcast Bucci Radio has given me so many insights on how to grow my business and stay aligned with my soul in the process.
Amanda was talking about her company’s mission and how the Black Lives Matter movement has led them to become a more inclusive company by revamping their values, culture, sales, and content. In the discussion, she brought up the topic of “consensual sales.” To explain the idea, she brought up consensual sex — you have a discussion with your partner about whether or not you both are comfortable with having sex, and there should be a clear YES or NO.
And that phrase got me thinking about the different situations I’ve been in where consent wasn’t actually given. I may have said, “yes,” but my soul said, “no.” It was a huge eye-opener for me. I decided to tap into the energetics behind consent and how it relates to literally every area of your life.
At the root of consent, there is a deep, deep trust and commitment to your own integrity — first to yourself and second to the people in your life. In this episode, I want to unpack what consent really means and how you can best act with trust and integrity in your personal relationships and business. Let’s get started!
Verbal Consent vs. Soul Consent
I want to begin by breaking down consent into two very distinct levels. One is verbal consent. Maybe someone asks you to help them with a project, and you give a verbal “yes.” — that’s verbal consent. The second level of consent, the one I’ve been really diving into, is what I want to call “soul consent.” This goes beyond just saying a verbal “yes.” It’s about coming to a place of peace within your soul where your “yes” truly aligns with your heart.
Babe, this concept of “soul consent” has been rocking my world. Maybe you can relate, but there are so many situations in my past where my soul has said, “no” but my mouth has said, “yes.” From a soul perspective, I have been able to take full accountability and bring a heightened level of awareness to all these situations.
So, the question is, if our soul says, “no,” why does our mouth often say, “yes”? It’s our ego. Our ego comes in and tries to talk us out of our decision because of fear or judgment. Maybe someone asks you for a loan, and you really don’t feel comfortable loaning them money, but your ego says, “Wouldn’t it just be easier to give them what they want? No drama. No fuss. No conflict. That’s the easier route.” Basically, our ego is trying to avoid as much pain as possible, and saying “no” usually creates some initial pain and pushback.
We start doing this with small things — maybe you’re watching a Netflix series with your significant other that you really don’t care to watch, or maybe you do the dishes even though it’s your partner’s turn. These small micro nonconsensual actions start to take place, and over time, we formulate these hairline fractures in the foundation of our self-trust.
For me personally, lack of safety is a core wound. If I don’t feel safe in a situation, all my compensatory strategies come out. My masculine energy feels a desperate need to control EVERYTHING. It’s easy to blame a lack of safety on our circumstances (my boyfriend cheated on me, my parents weren’t loving enough, etc.), and while some of those circumstances do have an effect on safety, it really comes down to whether we compromised our own safety. If we can’t honor the consent that happens at a soul level first, we then prove to ourselves that we are not worthy of keeping ourselves safe.
This was mind-blowing for me. If I don’t know how to honor my highest good, then I’m unable to create a sense of trust within myself to keep myself safe. And if I can’t trust myself, how can I trust another person? How can I attract the kind of people I want in my life? Needless to say, I’ve been doing some serious soul searching, because shit, I have some work to do. To start this process, I picked apart those three words — trust, integrity, and consent — to get at the root of what they truly mean.
The Roadmap to Trust, Integrity, and Consent
You all know I love definitions, so I looked up these three words in the dictionary, and here’s what I found:
Trust: “A state of being responsible for something. A commitment to safekeeping.”
Integrity: “The quality of being honest and having strong moral principles or the state of being whole and undivided.”
Consent: “Permission for something to happen or an agreement to do something.”
All three of these really hit home for me. Are you applying these three concepts in your business and personal life? What are you giving permission to in your life? Do the “yes’s” in your life align with your moral principles? Can you trust yourself to make decisions based on those moral principles?
The bottom line is that all we truly desire is to feel loved and to feel safe. And it is our responsibility to continually check-in and monitor whether or not we are contributing to our own safekeeping and honoring our highest self. If we are constantly agreeing to things our souls don’t consent to, then we’re pulling ourselves out of integrity. We’re breaking the bonds of trust that only we can establish within ourselves.
What Consent Looks Like in Relationships and Business
So how do trust, integrity, and consent play out in relationships? How do they play out in business? I want to give you a couple examples that have helped me see how important these three things are.
Maybe you’re in a space where you’re calling in your partner. You’re dating, you’re on apps, and you have a value system you’re working by to find the right guy. And you do meet a guy, but you suddenly throw out your value system because he’s charming and sexy. Maybe you start putting him on a pedestal, and you are constantly comparing yourself to him.
The time comes when things start getting hot and heavy, and the question of whether or not you’re going to have sex comes up. But maybe it’s not even a verbal question. Maybe there’s not a conversation at all. Sometimes, we are just put into situations where there’s an assumption.
I know that for me, this has happened several times — from a soul perspective, I wasn’t ready. I didn’t feel connected to the person, and I wasn’t ready to go that far. But my ego kicked in and said, “What’s the big deal? Just normalize the situation. You deserve to feel good. It’s just sex. Don’t make it awkward. He’s a great guy, and if you don’t have sex with him, he may leave.”
What followed was a lack of intimacy — because intimacy is founded on trust and safety. But, if you can listen to your soul and honestly give your consent or non-consent, you’ll find that you’ll start making decisions that feel good, healthy, and allow you to trust yourself even more.
So how does this play out in business? Let’s say you’re in network marketing (as I know many of you are!). You have this belief that for your business to be successful, you have to recruit a certain type of person, right? Maybe you find someone on Instagram, and they have a huge following, and everything looks absolutely fantastic.
But then you get on the phone with them, and you don’t get a great vibe from the energy they’re sending out. You can feel the disconnect in your soul. You honestly don’t really like them. If it weren’t for this business opportunity, you probably wouldn’t even be friends with them. But the ego comes in again and says, “Well, you need the money. How is your business going to grow if you don’t get someone like this?” This same thing can happen with clients as well — you start working with people who are toxic because you need the money, and slowly but surely, your integrity and trust are compromised.
If you haven’t healed your money wound and if you don’t come from a place of trust, then you’ll start attracting clients into your business who don’t feel good to you. And there’s a lesson in that, right? You learn through that process to operate from a place of soul consent and integrity. You’ll learn that there are always opportunities in business, but there are even better opportunities if you honor your values.
A Mindset Shift That Will Change Your Life
Babe, once you look at all your decisions through those three things — trust, integrity, and consent — you’ll start living a more soul-aligned life. This is a real opportunity for you to get clear and evaluate what type of life you want to live. Take the time to reflect today on whether you’re experiencing any of those hairline fractures I talked about. They may not be too noticeable at first, but over time, you won’t be able to move.
Don’t dishonor yourself just because you’re afraid of hurting someone’s feelings or causing conflict. I used to be there, but this mindset shift around consent has literally rocked my world. It has caused me to wake up and own my ability to trust myself. If you resonate with this, please reach out and send me a DM on Instagram @themelissamartin. I want to help you step into this energy and celebrate alongside you.
Babe, thanks again for coming to my TED talk. I just love having these types of conversations with you guys. I absolutely love this Boldly Courageous community. It’s a safe space where we can all be seen and heard. I’m sending you guys so much love! Make sure to spread the love by sharing the episode with someone who needs to hear it.
Until next time, go out there and live your boldly courageous life!