Hey babe! Welcome back to Boldly Courageous, a podcast created for you — the ambitious woman who is ready to take action and step fully into the life you’ve always dreamed of.
Have you ever gotten yourself a gift to mark a milestone in your life or help anchor a new commitment? The first time I had a 30k launch, I bought myself a Louis Baton wallet. It was my way of celebrating and reminding myself of what I had learned and how far I had come. Most recently I bought myself a morganite ring.
Morganite is a beautiful crystal, but more importantly, it’s the heart-shocker stone. When we get married, we put a ring on as a sign of commitment, right? So, I wear it purposefully on my left hand, reminding of my commitment to practice radical self-love. As some of you may know, my marriage ended about a year ago. While it ended, I’m a firm believer that my marriage was a success. Every relationship has an expiration date, and every relationship reveals the personal wounds we need to heal.
I think relationships are ending sooner rather than later these days because most of us haven’t really gone into a relationship with ourselves. As a result, many of us haven’t taken the time to heal our wounds or understand what love looks like independent of someone else. That’s not the story I want to keep living, so since becoming single again, I’ve decided to discover what real self-love is.
Over the last few months, this journey has helped me heal in life-changing ways and start living with more confidence and courage than I ever thought possible. So, I wanted to take a few minutes to share how my definition of love has changed in hopes that it will empower you to be your boldly courageous self. I’m going to cover how you can experience healing and powerful love by letting go and unpack the mystery of falling “in love” without a partner!
If you’re ready for this, keep reading!
What Is Self-Love?
In any relationship, I think we treat others how we would want to be treated, but when it comes to the way we treat ourselves, we don’t treat ourselves with that same respect. Have you seen that in yourself? Many of us put our partner’s needs before our own. And then we feel resentful when they don’t do the same. But what it comes down to is we decided to forsake ourselves for someone else. With that decision, we walked away from self-love.
When we choose loving someone else over loving ourselves, we think we’re being nice, but we’re actually creating a lose-lose situation. As long as we love someone out of lack, the person we’re loving doesn’t receive genuine love. And if we’re honest, I think most of us would say that we are trying to fix or fill parts of ourselves by loving someone else.
A truly healthy relationship loves the good and the bad. That doesn’t mean we celebrate and encourage the bad, but we hold space for it because that’s how we get the good — it’s a package deal. It’s part of being human! Loving good and bad in yourself is true self-love. It’s saying, “Self, I know you are imperfect, but you are lovable and worthy of my attention. I celebrate the good in you, and I own the bad in you. I will honor you and continually move towards my highest, most healed self.”
Now, I’m not perfect at self-love. But since purchasing my morganite ring and committing to self-love for the last eight to nine months, I’ve learned a few things. I want to share them here, in this container of my community where I feel safe, in case anyone else needs them, too.
How to Find Healing and Powerful Love by Letting Go
Prepare yourself to be surprised. I have something random and weird that I want to share here because I believe it adds to this conversation. Are you ready? Here it is: When I went to Sedona a bit ago, I had this really strong desire to reclaim my virginity. I know that’s technically impossible. It was more that I wanted to reclaim it from an energetic standpoint — like reclaiming my sovereignty. I’d been abstinent for a while, and I just felt that tapping into the vibrations of soul connection with myself was the next step towards true self-love.
The first thing I did was “cutting cords” and releasing old relationships. This included some really powerful breathwork and an extraordinary energetic full-moon cleansing. Through all these experiences, I declared that I was reclaiming my virginity and a fulfilling and trusting relationship with myself.
The practice I want to walk you through today is cord-cutting for two reasons. First of all, it’s a practice that really really works. I’ve used it to release so many things beyond intimate relationships with partners, and every time it helps me live with more freedom and confidence. Secondly, it’s a practice that you can do at home — anytime! Here’s the simple three-step process I used:
- Meditation. I quieted my surroundings, body, and mind. Then I asked the universe what message I needed to receive.
- Journaling. I wrote a release letter to every single man I had been in an intimate relationship with. In this letter, I told them how they hurt me and how grateful I was for our time together because of what I learned.
- Forgiveness. Then I verbally forgave them, forgave myself, and committed to living from a healed place.
This process allowed me to look at the dynamics of our relationship and forgive the person for the wrongdoing. Whatever they had done to hurt me or harm me, I stated it out loud and owned that they hurt me. Then, I forgave them, saying, “I know that what you really wanted was to be seen, loved, and appreciated, or you were afraid of me discovering your wounds and abandoning you. The hurt you caused me wasn’t something that I did. It was your mess.”
The final step was taking accountability for myself. I owned my contribution to the relationship, the ways I dishonored my partner, and ultimately dishonored myself. Then, I apologized to myself and forgave myself. From that day forward, I chose to see myself, my past partner, and our relationship with compassion and gratitude — no more resentment, guilt, or anger.
The most interesting part of this experience was that I went into it with a mindset that I had been wronged in every relationship and that things didn’t work out because the person was a loser. But when I got honest with myself, I realized that the wrongdoing was 50/50. We were both to blame for things not working out. I was hurtful at times. And the other person was hurtful, too.
When I look back on those experiences, I realize what motivated my actions wasn’t real love. My motivation was seeking love, approval, and affirmation that I wouldn’t be abandoned. More than anything, I just wanted to be loved and seen. I now believe that the moments I was most hurtful were when I was seeking love the most. That was eye-opening to me because I realized that love could carry both dark and light.
Loving actions motivated by love are freeing and fulfilling — they bring light to the relationship. But loving actions motivated by a need to be loved are hurtful, deceptive, and manipulative — they bring darkness to the relationship. This discovery confirmed to me that I needed to continue to focus on my relationship with myself. I shouldn’t be looking for someone else to fill a void that I can’t fill myself. When I’m in soul alignment, I love from a place of true love instead of seeking love.
Why You Don’t Need a Partner to Be “In Love”
Let’s talk about this idea of being “in love.” I don’t know about you, but being “in love” sounds super fun and exciting. It makes me think of butterflies in your stomach, the most glorious anticipation, and exciting curiosity. You feel like you’re walking on clouds and can’t stop smiling. It’s amazing! And then relationships get real, right? We find ourselves loving the person but not feeling “in love” with them anymore. Have you ever had that experience like, “I love you, but I’m not actually in love with you?”
After all this self-love work I’ve been doing, I don’t think love has to be that way. So, if you’ll stick with me for a little bit longer, I would like to offer a new perspective of being “in love.” Because, quite frankly, I think I’ve had it wrong this whole time!
My new perspective of being “in love” is this: Being “in love” is NOT about the other person. See, there’s an actual frequency of love. Love is an emotion. Any emotion is energy in motion. It’s science. (Seriously, google it if you’re not convinced!) We’re all made up of energy. Every single cell in our body is energy, and different energies vibrate at different frequencies. So being in the frequency of love is an energetic state. It’s not a destination. This means you don’t grow to be “in love” with somebody. You grow to be in the frequency of love.
In other words, we can be “in love” without a partner. You can be “in love” with yourself. Let’s say there are two versions of you: your higher self — the healed loving version — and your lower self — the wounded ego-driven version. If these two people were in a relationship together, how would you describe the relationship? Happy and comfortable or passive-aggressive and toxic?
I’m calling it toxic. But what if those two versions of you focused on healing and becoming complimentary versions of each other? That would be an incredible relationship! Understanding this is important because if we subscribe to the idea that our outer world reflects our inner world, what’s going on inside us becomes the script for our outer reality. If the relationship we have with ourselves is broken and hurting, the relationships in our outer world will be broken and hurting. It’s like magnetism — like energy attracts like energy.
To put it another way, everything you seek is seeking you. This means that if you want to be in a healthy relationship that helps you be more courageous, you need to start cultivating that kind of relationship with yourself. Here’s how I’m applying this lesson to my life:
Currently, I’m very much single — not even dating. Instead, I’m very much in a relationship with myself. Not too long ago, I reflected on the partner I want to call in. Like any woman, I made a list. After I made a list, I asked myself if I was the kind of person I had just described.
Am I adventurous?
Am I operating from a place of integrity?
Am I curious about my own needs?
Am I loving and patient towards myself?
Am I committed to my own work?
I asked myself this for two reasons. First of all, if I am not the kind of person I am seeking, I won’t be whole when I show up to that relationship. Instead, I’ll strive to meet my needs through the person I’m in a relationship with. Secondly, because — just like we discussed previously — like energies attract like energies. The closer I am to the kind of person I described, the more likely I am to attract THAT kind of person. Instead of waiting for someone to give me the butterflies of feeling “in love,” I’m choosing to be “in love” with myself.
That’s what true self-love is really about — being in the vibration of love. When that happens, it attracts a partner who is also on his path doing the hard work of healing, growing, and practicing self-love. That’s when the most potent version of being “in love” takes place. You are in the vibrations of love, and he is in the vibrations of love, so when you come together, you co-mingle the vibrations of love, and you’re “in love” together.
When your paths finally cross, you’re not practicing broken love trying to get your needs met. Instead, you’re both practicing healed love that gives from a place of abundance instead of lack. I have full body chills just thinking about it. What pure fucking love that is, right? Two people are practicing love from a place of abundance instead of need! I think we can all use more of that, don’t you?
Why You Need to Prioritize Self-Love Today…
The one thing that I’ve really taken away from all of this work is that we have access to the vibration of love at any time, and it’s self-sourced. Self-sourced love feels so so good! It allows us to attract what we desire on an even higher level, whether it’s money, love, prosperity, relationships, or experiences. And just like that, life gets to be so much more exciting than anything we have ever imagined. Here’s the catch: You have to be willing and committed to cultivating a loving relationship with yourself first!
You are capable of having a beautiful relationship with the partner of your dreams. You are not broken beyond repair or unloveable. You are marvelous and priceless. If you don’t believe that about yourself yet, do the work to get there. And, if you need to buy yourself a ring like I did to remind yourself of your commitment to self-love, do it! Just don’t give up, okay?!
Thank you so much for taking this journey with me today. This community is literally one of my favorite things, and I look forward to sharing with you every week. You are my people! If you were uplifted by this message in any way, it would mean the world to me if you shared this with your friends. I think a lot of us could use a new definition of love these days! So, take a screenshot of this, share it on Instagram, and tag me @themelissamartin.
Here’s to vibrating in the frequency of love instead of waiting for someone else to make us feel loved!
Go live your boldly courageous life!